Case Study Zero Zero Whatever
Could it be a problem of mine the fact I feel pressured by other people's attention and affection?
After pushing back, blatantly manipulating while hoping to get caught and chastised (got caught, got chastised, no difference in affection), neglecting, I still went out of my way to ensure no lingering attraction would remain.
Why?
The idea of being liked sits on me as a responsibility to like back. Which I didn't, but the feeling of obligation stayed. A burden. Being liked felt like a burden, if I didn't like back. Am I a people pleaser? Quick look online brought up this set of questions:
I try to be who someone wants me to be.
False
I am afraid to rock the boat.
True
It is hard for me to know what I want.
Truuuuue
I avoid speaking my mind.
Sometimes, depends on the circle.
I find it easier to go along with what someone wants or with their opinion.
Somewhat true.
I fantasize about a strong person taking over my life and making it work.
So false.
It is hard for me to express my feelings when they are different from someone I’m close to.
Half true.
It is difficult for me to say No.
False.
I avoid getting angry.
True.
It is hard for me to take initiative.
Very false.
I try to be nice rather than expressing how I really feel.
Sometimes. Especially at work.
I want everyone to get along.
True.
Meh, reading further it doesn't really seem to apply. Or I have a shitty coping mechanism: do I isolate myself because I am super aware of my people pleasing traits?
Root of people pleasers is that love acts as a validation tool. "If you love me, then I'm lovable."
That was not the case. It was instead: "If you like or love me, but I don't correspond in kind, it feels like a burden. Expectations will be hanging over me constantly."
Nah, I think I'm good here. There's something else to my seeking of isolation, other than not wanting to be a people pleaser.
I'm picky as fuck. I have very dynamic tastes. I get tired of something in particular quickly. Routine and safety scare and hinder me.
Alone I don't have to listen to anyone's opinion.
I am building walls and keeping people in the dark because I hate feeling vulnerable and dependant.
My walls make me feel alone.
I'm tired of my work situation. That is, without a shadow of a doubt, my main grind.
It is, yes, really hard for me to know what I want.
I crave getting lost in something completely, until I get bored, and move towards something else in the same fashion. I'm not sure this is healthy. But this is me.
It is hard for me to keep varied and consistent self-help routines (exercise, practice, diet). I do them, but not enough. Will it always feel like that?
It's hard for me to let go of my responsibilities. I don't feel comfortable without a plan. This clashes with my desire to be spontaneous.
This unfulfilled desire causes me to be erratic in relationships (is it how I fulfil it eventually?).
Should I embrace this conflict and become whole? Me being erratic causes suffering though. On myself and others. That's not good.
Conclusions of this brief exercise:
After pushing back, blatantly manipulating while hoping to get caught and chastised (got caught, got chastised, no difference in affection), neglecting, I still went out of my way to ensure no lingering attraction would remain.
Why?
The idea of being liked sits on me as a responsibility to like back. Which I didn't, but the feeling of obligation stayed. A burden. Being liked felt like a burden, if I didn't like back. Am I a people pleaser? Quick look online brought up this set of questions:
I try to be who someone wants me to be.
False
I am afraid to rock the boat.
True
It is hard for me to know what I want.
Truuuuue
I avoid speaking my mind.
Sometimes, depends on the circle.
I find it easier to go along with what someone wants or with their opinion.
Somewhat true.
I fantasize about a strong person taking over my life and making it work.
So false.
It is hard for me to express my feelings when they are different from someone I’m close to.
Half true.
It is difficult for me to say No.
False.
I avoid getting angry.
True.
It is hard for me to take initiative.
Very false.
I try to be nice rather than expressing how I really feel.
Sometimes. Especially at work.
I want everyone to get along.
True.
Meh, reading further it doesn't really seem to apply. Or I have a shitty coping mechanism: do I isolate myself because I am super aware of my people pleasing traits?
Root of people pleasers is that love acts as a validation tool. "If you love me, then I'm lovable."
That was not the case. It was instead: "If you like or love me, but I don't correspond in kind, it feels like a burden. Expectations will be hanging over me constantly."
Nah, I think I'm good here. There's something else to my seeking of isolation, other than not wanting to be a people pleaser.
I'm picky as fuck. I have very dynamic tastes. I get tired of something in particular quickly. Routine and safety scare and hinder me.
Alone I don't have to listen to anyone's opinion.
I am building walls and keeping people in the dark because I hate feeling vulnerable and dependant.
My walls make me feel alone.
I'm tired of my work situation. That is, without a shadow of a doubt, my main grind.
It is, yes, really hard for me to know what I want.
I crave getting lost in something completely, until I get bored, and move towards something else in the same fashion. I'm not sure this is healthy. But this is me.
It is hard for me to keep varied and consistent self-help routines (exercise, practice, diet). I do them, but not enough. Will it always feel like that?
It's hard for me to let go of my responsibilities. I don't feel comfortable without a plan. This clashes with my desire to be spontaneous.
This unfulfilled desire causes me to be erratic in relationships (is it how I fulfil it eventually?).
Should I embrace this conflict and become whole? Me being erratic causes suffering though. On myself and others. That's not good.
Conclusions of this brief exercise:
- The set of questions above are bullshit. Everyone is that sometimes. Got the ball rolling, though.
- The fear of being vulnerable, is, I think, universal.
- Feeling the burden of being liked only manifests when it's not mutual. I am, for the most part, acting honourably. If I don't like back, I take action to stop feeling burdened.
- No break up is ever going to be clean.
- Some days will always suck.
- Running away from feeling bad is bad. I just feel it and get it over with.
- Getting into relationships is always a risk. I used to risk more before. I might be too fear-driven now.
- I probably need to adjust and risk again. Fail again. Fail better.
- I should only risk with someone I truly like though.
- Going "just for sex" doesn't work for me. I care too much about other's feelings. Unless it's a drunken true one night stand where both are going into it bringing the same things.
- Yes, I will be mistaken sometimes. Yes, it's going to suck. Disappointment is part of life. So is wonder. Both live together. Deal with it.
- It's OK to feel downtrodden for a while. If I hurt my knee, I'll walk funny for a few days. If I hurt my heart I'll feel funny for a few days.
- Love is a contact sport.
- I do like myself. Maybe I'm over-protective. If I express myself more truthfully, will I be less protective?
- Kindness is always good to practice.
- Virtue goes unrewarded. It is the nature of virtue.
- I must remain curious.
- I'll likely be misunderstood a lot, especially as I become more aware.
- No one knows what's best for me, except me.