The Road to Recovery
I've made some bad decisions. Mostly decided to let things pass that are important to my happiness. The biggest one has to do with work. Sick and tired of the tasks I have been doing, instead of facing the issue head-on with my line-manager, I instead opted to sit still, let things roll and plan my way out.
This started early July 2016. After a lot of planning and looking for alternatives, one year later I finally opted to inform management that I had enough of my role and was planning on getting out, to fully stop for three months and pursue a couple of personal projects.
Management countered, inviting me to spear-head a new initiative that involves me being more technically creative, as well as moving me towards a new and unknown way of doing things.
This piked my interest. And created a big internal conflict. For I won't be able to completely let go of the work that bores and demotivates me. There's also the fact that I have been suffering from bouts of loneliness, depression and anxiety. Nothing clinically serious, but it's been close to impossible to feel excited about anything long-lasting, or feel connected to people.
There's a dark cloud hanging over me, making me feel isolated and apathetic to pretty much everything.
I'm now struggling to get back on the road. Because there isn't anything practical to lose, I've decided to take up on the new work opportunity - worst case scenario, I'll just resume my normal planning. Yet I know I'm not moving into this out of pure enthusiasm. This worries me. I don't know if it's my "burn out" clouding everything, or my instinct telling me the answer isn't there. The fact is there's potential for me to do good, helpful, interesting work; to uplift the spirits of my colleagues and customers; and possibly feel less isolated and more engaged with life.
I have decided on the following:
I'm not actively seeking the authentic company of others. My objective is through the virtue of what I choose to do, I'll come across the people that will make the difference.
I'm out of shape and 10-15 Kg overweight. I can't wake up early by myself, preferring instead to sleep in, aggravating that by staying up until very late. I have bad habits that are compounding my other problems.
Fortunately, bad habits are the simplest thing to resolve. It's a very difficult thing to do well, but it only depends on my willpower. And I do need to better my patience, my discipline and my endurance.
My hope is that through the improvement of my physical condition, I'll lay the groundwork to either achieve better things at work, or pursue something new altogether with renewed vigour.
2017 has been a year of foiled plans. I've failed to practice guitar consistently, I have not ridden my motorcycle back home, I've not been able to move into a house share and access university. As if God is consistently barring my way towards what I've dreamt. I now doubt if I'm dreaming good things, or if I'm taking things too easy and not applying myself as necessary.
In truth, my gut feeling regarding long term planning has been typically untrustworthy. Life throws curve balls, and my vision has to adapt and I have to let things go.
Maybe what follows is me figuring out either a way to enforce my vision through discipline to do the necessary work, patience to wait for the right times to make the right moves, and endurance to not let obstacles bring me down.
I did tattoo Strength, Rigour and Creativity into my arm. It's time to honour that.
This started early July 2016. After a lot of planning and looking for alternatives, one year later I finally opted to inform management that I had enough of my role and was planning on getting out, to fully stop for three months and pursue a couple of personal projects.
Management countered, inviting me to spear-head a new initiative that involves me being more technically creative, as well as moving me towards a new and unknown way of doing things.
This piked my interest. And created a big internal conflict. For I won't be able to completely let go of the work that bores and demotivates me. There's also the fact that I have been suffering from bouts of loneliness, depression and anxiety. Nothing clinically serious, but it's been close to impossible to feel excited about anything long-lasting, or feel connected to people.
There's a dark cloud hanging over me, making me feel isolated and apathetic to pretty much everything.
I'm now struggling to get back on the road. Because there isn't anything practical to lose, I've decided to take up on the new work opportunity - worst case scenario, I'll just resume my normal planning. Yet I know I'm not moving into this out of pure enthusiasm. This worries me. I don't know if it's my "burn out" clouding everything, or my instinct telling me the answer isn't there. The fact is there's potential for me to do good, helpful, interesting work; to uplift the spirits of my colleagues and customers; and possibly feel less isolated and more engaged with life.
I have decided on the following:
- give this new work opportunity a solid try
- pursue healthier eating and exercising
- follow my curiosity regarding books by embarking in a writing course
I'm not actively seeking the authentic company of others. My objective is through the virtue of what I choose to do, I'll come across the people that will make the difference.
I'm out of shape and 10-15 Kg overweight. I can't wake up early by myself, preferring instead to sleep in, aggravating that by staying up until very late. I have bad habits that are compounding my other problems.
Fortunately, bad habits are the simplest thing to resolve. It's a very difficult thing to do well, but it only depends on my willpower. And I do need to better my patience, my discipline and my endurance.
My hope is that through the improvement of my physical condition, I'll lay the groundwork to either achieve better things at work, or pursue something new altogether with renewed vigour.
2017 has been a year of foiled plans. I've failed to practice guitar consistently, I have not ridden my motorcycle back home, I've not been able to move into a house share and access university. As if God is consistently barring my way towards what I've dreamt. I now doubt if I'm dreaming good things, or if I'm taking things too easy and not applying myself as necessary.
In truth, my gut feeling regarding long term planning has been typically untrustworthy. Life throws curve balls, and my vision has to adapt and I have to let things go.
Maybe what follows is me figuring out either a way to enforce my vision through discipline to do the necessary work, patience to wait for the right times to make the right moves, and endurance to not let obstacles bring me down.
I did tattoo Strength, Rigour and Creativity into my arm. It's time to honour that.