To Be Less Than Infallible
The chemically
induced joy,
Is over.
The sugar rush,
Ran out.
The rot that comes
with the alcohol,
Stays in.
And now sober.
And now deserted
And now alone again
I gather
Perspective that
comes knocking like a bad neighbour and
Seven stakes nail me
to the ground.
One in my pelvis,
another in my stomach
One for my neck and
the other four
On my hands and
feet, I am bound,
Perforated and
isolated on the floor.
I ooze an ochre
substance.
It's not blood, but
it tells a tale.
There's a story in
the rot.
A tall, black rat
observes me
Nailed to the floor
and covered in shit,
I hear it breathing
and I let myself feel
Jumping on my chest,
hurting my caved in belly.
The nervous
scratching, the heart pulsing
And I think of you,
my heart, my love,
I remember memories
that are not mine,
Crafted by fear and
abject judgement.
Of my heart, my
love, bleeding and making herself object,
And of my heart, my
love bleeding finding other objects,
And of my heart, my
love consuming them,
And of letting
herself be consumed by them.
And to not feel the
pain that I now usher from inside me,
The gross hands, the
dripping sex,
The guttural moans,
the filthy words,
The blissful release
from this pain I seeded,
A rolling cascade of
toy soldiers and cum.
The heart, because
it bled,
And I was too
cowardly, I think, then to
Let it bleed to
health,
Soiled you, my
heart, my love.
I'm sad and
thoughtful while
Nailed to the floor
and covered in shit.
In a day when I
can't reach forgiveness,
Because I refuse to
accept personal failure,
Or perhaps because I
won't settle for less than being perfect,
Or seem to have
forgotten,
That you my heart,
my love,
As before and as
always
Are free to make
your own decisions.
And although the
seed I planted was pain
The method of escape
was yours and not mine.
I smile amused,
noticing now that my sense of control
Remains larger than
what I actually control.
So I tear myself
free of these stakes,
My skin rips, my
flesh is torn and
I crush the judging
rat under my heel
And stand tall,
seven bleeding holes and all.
Smear some more shit
in my face
And I press it
against the wall
Tilt my head to the
side
Smile more, smile
deeper
As I face the face
of my fear
To Be Less Than
Infallible