Observations 16-Nov-2023

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Yesterday I decided to game in the evening. I played a quality game for a bit and went to bed at a sensible time, and had a good night of sleep. However, today I'm struggling a lot more to get started with work.

I think I need to identify the moments when it is OK to game. Before a workday is probably a bad idea as it will drain my willpower to get started the next day. Or maybe it isn't the will power that is drained. It's more that I feel a lot more distant from work, as if that facet of my life is no longer well integrated with the rest. It separates me from that. It is numbing. Which is an odd feeling that I want to explore a little more.

This morning I resumed listening to a podcast I started yesterday. Also a bad idea, as it further distanced me from the work I have to do. Further numbed. It also happened to touch on a point I found fascinating (Braid is getting re-mastered and re-released next year), and that completely absorbed my attention for far longer than expected.

I believe the following is happening: the conditions in which I work, and what I do, do not make it so I want to come back to work the next day. Even when I'm productive. At the stage I am at, I always want to go do something else. Same with exercising. There is always a measure of willpower necessary to overcome my resistance to get me started in the day I have to expend effort.

Escapism, such as with gaming or listening to podcasts, widens the gap I need to cross the next day. It is particularly damaging if I do it just before having to work.

Good rules help maintain good, healthy function of whatever it is they're regulating.

I need to set a personal set of rules for myself here. 

  • I must avoid escapism directly before work.
  • Instead, I should try engaging with reflections that improve my relationship with my work.
  • I may replace gaming in a "school night" before work with free writing, or reading.
  • I can game during weekend nights

I know that by not following the above, getting started with work will be harder. I will lag behind, which in turn will increase my want for escapism, in which if I give in, will make me lag even further, thus increasing my want for escapism yet again, and so on. I will arrive at the end of the work day drained, shamed and very unhappy with myself. If I were to use an analogy to make the importance of these rules clearer, then I need only to replace "gaming" with "getting drunk". I could also replace "work" with "exercising" and arrive at a similar set of bad consequences for not following the rules: shame and misery.

Work and exercise are activities I will always be resistant against starting, regardless of how necessary they might be. It is important the flow into these necessary activities is not disrupted by other fun, but counterproductive activities, and these fun but counterproductive activities have a sensible space and time in my life. There are moments it is OK to game. There are moments it is OK to get drunk.

Gaming and being concentrated and productive at work are intertwined. The more I game, the less productive I can be. I know it is one of my hobbies that makes me feel happy, but I must engage with it carefully, else it causes more harm than good.

The more I consider gaming as a drug I must engage with responsibly, the better I'll live my life.