Break up PTSD
What I'm saying is that I don't feel secure in the other person, in what she might feel about me. I don't feel secure in myself, so I mistake trying to be my best self with trying to be my perfect self. I aim for being as nice as possible, instead of true to myself, bottling up sh*t until something breaks. Usually along the lines of "She did something legitimately wrong and I said nothing then. Now it's f*cking go time, queue up Twisted Sisters' 'We're Not Gonna Take It'."
I think I'm broken. I pulled the rug from under the feet of the woman I loved for the better part of 6 years. It came out fast, unexpected. Things weren't all pink rainbows, but there wasn't doom and gloom. Not really.
I didn't cheat, but in the last few months I was "putting myself out there", always without really getting anywhere. It happened often enough that I knew if nothing changed I would eventually cheat on her. I loved her. But I knew I couldn't be held to her any more. How can that sh*t happen? Respect over care then. I just took the axe to the strands that connected us. Part of me died during that dinner. I guess it had to then.
It's been a little over 3 years now. I don't regret breaking up with her. Given how I was at the time, how I let myself go, it was impossible to go on. I had to be absolutely honest in those few seconds. I had to break away/down.
She's... I don't know how she is. We don't really talk. We're less than acquaintances. Acquaintances don't have pain behind their eyes and care in their voice at the same time. It's civil, but the weight of what was before, of a dreamed future, smothers whatever friendship could have bloomed since.
I've tried to move on. Turned out I needed to work on myself a lot. Still do. I had to figure myself out. And still do. It's messy. Still confusing. Some days I ask myself "what the f*ck happened, why would I sabotage things like that?" Why do I still do it in a smaller scale? I answer "things are better now, because change is propelled by problems. There was a problem then."
Some days it feels really sh*tty remembering the warmth of her body as I got into bed to sleep after a long day, and not having that any more. Nothing sexy, nothing fancy. Just hugging her and kissing the side of her nose. She broke it when she was a kid. She had some issues with it. I loved it and the smile that came with it when I kissed it.
Then again nostalgia is like morphine - makes you feel good without making you well. Feel sappy. f*ck I feel sappy.
Relationship wise, I can't hold anything longer than 2 to 6 months. There comes a point when I get bored. Or think she's not good enough. I'll be nice until I can't be nice any more. I can't tolerate this new woman that's not who I want. I'll grab my axe. I relive that dinner. I make it quick. It gets easier.
Sometimes there's only a little pain.
I think I'm broken. I pulled the rug from under the feet of the woman I loved for the better part of 6 years. It came out fast, unexpected. Things weren't all pink rainbows, but there wasn't doom and gloom. Not really.
I didn't cheat, but in the last few months I was "putting myself out there", always without really getting anywhere. It happened often enough that I knew if nothing changed I would eventually cheat on her. I loved her. But I knew I couldn't be held to her any more. How can that sh*t happen? Respect over care then. I just took the axe to the strands that connected us. Part of me died during that dinner. I guess it had to then.
It's been a little over 3 years now. I don't regret breaking up with her. Given how I was at the time, how I let myself go, it was impossible to go on. I had to be absolutely honest in those few seconds. I had to break away/down.
She's... I don't know how she is. We don't really talk. We're less than acquaintances. Acquaintances don't have pain behind their eyes and care in their voice at the same time. It's civil, but the weight of what was before, of a dreamed future, smothers whatever friendship could have bloomed since.
I've tried to move on. Turned out I needed to work on myself a lot. Still do. I had to figure myself out. And still do. It's messy. Still confusing. Some days I ask myself "what the f*ck happened, why would I sabotage things like that?" Why do I still do it in a smaller scale? I answer "things are better now, because change is propelled by problems. There was a problem then."
Some days it feels really sh*tty remembering the warmth of her body as I got into bed to sleep after a long day, and not having that any more. Nothing sexy, nothing fancy. Just hugging her and kissing the side of her nose. She broke it when she was a kid. She had some issues with it. I loved it and the smile that came with it when I kissed it.
Then again nostalgia is like morphine - makes you feel good without making you well. Feel sappy. f*ck I feel sappy.
Relationship wise, I can't hold anything longer than 2 to 6 months. There comes a point when I get bored. Or think she's not good enough. I'll be nice until I can't be nice any more. I can't tolerate this new woman that's not who I want. I'll grab my axe. I relive that dinner. I make it quick. It gets easier.
Sometimes there's only a little pain.