words as photographs

thinking about it some more, my mind likes the puzzle the game places - how to build a concept of a character that works. that in itself is a lot of fun, just the working of the concept. where the fault lies is when I conflate who I am with the character I'm building as if it is an extension of me, and it must be, for whatever reason, be authentic, even if no circumstance demands it. the game is a place for expression of different ideas, and I think I bore myself every time I approach it trying to make it as authentic as possible, since the only way to do it is by keeping very vague. otherwise, how can I represent the multitude of my moods and preferences so variable over time inside a single hard and static concept?

when idle, my mind keeps returning to Pillars of Eternity and how I should build my character, even though it is the world that builds characters. it is what happens to me that shapes me and not some arbitrary point when I make a decision and I'm perfectly trained in something I've never done. I keep having life experiences and going back to this game to frame them in a character build that makes sense - if I'm being regular at the gym, that means I must be a fighter. if I'm being lazy, that means I must be a rogue. if I'm to lead my team, that means I must be a chanter or a priest or a paladin.  what is this? why am I doing this?  am I trying to find a way to frame myself inside a structure? why have I set pillars as the structure to be? it's not the richest. it is flexible. it does allow imagination to play with logic. as entertainment, it is entertaining. but is it too much of a distraction? or should the question be harnessed more productively? is the struct...

when I was a boy I dreamt of being a detective, an army sergeant, a scientist, a film director and an archeologist. in a way, in my current job I get to be almost all those things. I lead a team as a sergeant, the investigative work around tickets is much like being a detective, and coming up with solutions requires problem solving skills akin to those of a scientist. I was only interested in archeology to be like Indiana Jones. I'm not so much interested in old things as I am in living an adventure. could film making, or telling of stories be the passion that is left to pursue? I'm not interested in visual story telling, but I do like giving people jobs and tasks. a more managerial position? build a narrative out of the work I carry out?

problem with working with slow machines is they allow you to think and start questioning why should you be doing this in the first place (for money)? why is this pain worth bearing (to provide)? what's the point if it will always be broken (because mastery comes from repetition and not achievement)? so you begin to dream about a better place (where the machine is faster) and fantasize about how to get there (by coming up with an innovative new product). but in truth, this is all wishful thinking while there's some suffering. once the weekend arrives and the mind disperses, everything is OK again. or is it? maybe it's a good time to think about the things I don't like about my job. and about the things I do like. and of the things I don't like, which of them are really bad (policing users/colleagues) and which of them are because I'm not good at (training up colleagues).  then maybe look again at my job and see what I can improve while doing it, and what will nec...

He is a very practical man. Never pursuing work for the sheer joy of work, he'd only put his hands to a task with a mind to get some quantifiable benefit out of that. This created a pitfall in his life. When he finally reached a long moment of financial comfort, he became aimless. He says he wants to express himself more creatively, but isn't disciplined in the methods to express himself. He keeps pursuing other activities that eat away at the little time he has available to move his writing forward. His Inner Imp wants him to get in trouble, to find him a war, so he can do nothing other than fight for it and win. That is an escape. This instead is the true fight. To find the activity that feels rewarding, to be focused in it long enough to reap the rewards and achieve some measure of mastery. To finally quit being a fireman and instead become a craftsman. Everything feels like it's falling short.

be who you want to be. who do you want to be? days passing by like sand. my guidance system is fucked. tried to solve one issue, created another even worse. money trapped. tired of figuring shit out for other people. yes, I need the money. yes I know how to do things others don't. I don't value what I do or know highly. I'm a gear. I have worshiped the wrong idols.

És hipersensível e a única forma que encontras de lidar com o conflito é fechares-te emocionalmente ao mundo e destruir qualquer ligação que outrora existia.