words as photographs

Really difficult to remain focused when I am alone. Also, and this is very important, see, is that when I work alone, it is really easy to believe the noise inside my head. There's no one to challenge it. I thought I was much better and much more deserving than I really am. I think I should be a much harder worker, when in fact my performance is below my standard. And yet, with a little effort it seems to shoot well above that standard, as I will quickly drop what I'm doing and reward myself with foolish distractions. I am accepting being foolish. Concentration is a lot like holding whatever I'm focusing on inside a bowl in my mind. Everytime I get interrupted, the bowl shakes and the contents spill out. I then have to spend some effort putting them back in. I also feel the bowl is cracked, and a lot of my focus slips through the cracks.

 Grit. Got to get grit. My sin has been hubris. For too long, I have thought myself as much smarter than I really am, more capable than I really am. Part of me believed what others were saying about me, while another part, a deeper part, knew well I was being an impostor.

Am I chasing the wrong goal? Or am I just lazy? I have to be brave to do my job. I am constantly moving towards the fear. I am living my fantasy of a hero facing a dragon. It's just the dragon is my insecurity regarding my knowledge. And even though it is straightforward to combat - just keep working and learning, everytime I advance I am reminded of how little I know. I can do this. Bit by bit. Time to go for a more primitive feeling. Figure this shit out, on my own, by myself. Fuck everyone else. I saw something I did not understand. I cared not to be curious about it and chose to ignore it. Now I'm forced to face it, all because I refused my natural inclination to inquire. Don't be selective. Don't optimise. Always follow the light you cast.

Started the day with a meeting. Built tension. After the meeting decided to unwind. Ended up spending too long. Feeling ashamed now and motivated to keep procrastinating. Trying to recenter.  

This can't be handled logically, this must be handled emotionally. How do I ignite my passion about my work? What is good about it? I feel like at all falls on me. I feel alone. There are others willing to help me. I must reach out. Using them as my wallpaper to help me stay inspired and focused. Scolded yesterday. Wife also working from home today. Inspirations as my background. Overall the day went better, because I was feeling better about it.

Clear up the personal stuff. Reflect on the previous day, and the current one - what do I want? What can I do? I feel completely deflated and believe I need activities to counteract this.

Don't waste my day. Define being effective at work. According to Chat GPT (my ratings between parenthesis):      Master Your Technical Skills (ongoing):         Develop a deep understanding of the products or services you are supporting.         Keep up-to-date with the latest technology trends and updates in your field.         Build a solid knowledge base to quickly troubleshoot and resolve common issues.     Active Listening (competent):         Pay close attention to the customer's description of the problem.         Ask clarifying questions to gather all the necessary information.         Show empathy and understanding toward their frustration or concerns.     Clear Communication (competent):      ...