words as photographs

Am I chasing the wrong goal? Or am I just lazy? I have to be brave to do my job. I am constantly moving towards the fear. I am living my fantasy of a hero facing a dragon. It's just the dragon is my insecurity regarding my knowledge. And even though it is straightforward to combat - just keep working and learning, everytime I advance I am reminded of how little I know. I can do this. Bit by bit. Time to go for a more primitive feeling. Figure this shit out, on my own, by myself. Fuck everyone else. I saw something I did not understand. I cared not to be curious about it and chose to ignore it. Now I'm forced to face it, all because I refused my natural inclination to inquire. Don't be selective. Don't optimise. Always follow the light you cast.

Started the day with a meeting. Built tension. After the meeting decided to unwind. Ended up spending too long. Feeling ashamed now and motivated to keep procrastinating. Trying to recenter.  

This can't be handled logically, this must be handled emotionally. How do I ignite my passion about my work? What is good about it? I feel like at all falls on me. I feel alone. There are others willing to help me. I must reach out. Using them as my wallpaper to help me stay inspired and focused. Scolded yesterday. Wife also working from home today. Inspirations as my background. Overall the day went better, because I was feeling better about it.

Clear up the personal stuff. Reflect on the previous day, and the current one - what do I want? What can I do? I feel completely deflated and believe I need activities to counteract this.

Don't waste my day. Define being effective at work. According to Chat GPT (my ratings between parenthesis):      Master Your Technical Skills (ongoing):         Develop a deep understanding of the products or services you are supporting.         Keep up-to-date with the latest technology trends and updates in your field.         Build a solid knowledge base to quickly troubleshoot and resolve common issues.     Active Listening (competent):         Pay close attention to the customer's description of the problem.         Ask clarifying questions to gather all the necessary information.         Show empathy and understanding toward their frustration or concerns.     Clear Communication (competent):      ...

I was sick yesterday. Not enough rest, plus some kind of respiratory bug we all have here at home completely threw me down. Came here to say something, but I forgot. Brain fog is pretty bad when I'm always alone. Or more detectable. It seems easier to follow a thread when in the company of others. Hardcore gaming, while fun, is not a restful activity for the brain. What are my restful activities? They'll be fun, mostly effortless, healthy in good measure. Reading. Going for a walk. Listening to music. Introspection and movement. I believe I need to find my vision. I will try to answer the following: If I could invent the future, what would I create for myself? I would have a job where progress would feel more engaging. My job would also get me to work regularly with people I respect.   At the end of my life, what will be my greatest accomplishment? I will have raised a family of strong, independent, kind and loving people.   What mission in life absolutely inspires me? Raising...

Got an urgent case last evening. Was supposed to be all hands on deck starting this morning. One of the partners dropped the ball. Morning so far has been fits and starts. I'm a little scrambled. One of my line-managers is being difficult providing me with the help and guidance necessary. It's making me regret my choice to move out of Support and into Consultancy. I will keep considering this. I am finding what kind of personalities work where to be a big, big factor in my selection. Missed my morning shower. I think this has also made the day start more difficult. I went to drop off my son while listening to a gaming podcast. While it made the walk more pleasant, because of the noice cancellation earbuds, I think it affected my mindset negatively. I have a bunch of things to work, and zero willpower to pick any of them. The support character. Wears a shield and tanks, for certain. Is multipurpose/multi-faceted. A dwarf. This is a distraction. I really don't want to pick up...