processing the bonds, day five

Woke up to a text of her, asking me if aside the emotional betrayal, was there any physical betrayal, and if so, of what kind.

My first impulse was to deny it. Save me the shame, save her the pain. Started fabricating something. Decided against it, and I let the whole truth come out. Why the fuck not? What would I be trying to preserve? The damage is done, and I guess she can use any and every motivation to bury or burn the memories of us. Probably broke that last strand between us, forever.

It has made it so my day didn't start easy. But however hurt, my conscience is at peace. And right now, that's priority number one. No more internal debating.

The rest of the day has been slow. No work coming down the pipe. I guess my boss is picking up all the interesting stuff, and the company is slowing down as fuck. It could be the beast is dying and they're going to eject me once probation ends in April. It is hard to stay motivated and contribute meaningfully from so far away. Maybe. I don't know.

Chico is back in town. We'll have to talk about the Wrecking Crew. I'm definitely uneasy about this one. I want to get it over with. I have to be cool about it. It's happening either today or tomorrow.

We met. He's my brother. We spoke. Could be wishful thinking, but I didn't see deep seated opposition. Only a concern about what I was going through. Where I was, mentally. And a natural realisation all this would have happened. Brother for my fucking life. Love that fucking guy.

And who better to let the night carry us away? We got lost in a haze of booze and rock n'roll, stuck to see the day rise. Got through the darkness. Been in it. Felt the entire sadness and longing, anxiety and uncertainty dissolve in what was the start to a weekend of chaos and revelry. Of a certainty of brotherhood.

I feel the processing complete. I'm grounded. I'm a little beaten up, but my legs walk, so I keep moving. I can see what makes me happy and what makes me sad. I can see they live in different places. I'll revisit the sadness a few more times. Honour it. Appreciate what good things I had with her. And I'll naturally keep falling back to what makes me happy and excited and curious and alive.

You.

I'm ready.