processing the fearful maybes, day two

Calmer, clearer. I woke up with a certain instilled peace.

I have told the rest of my hometown friends what happened. No details, just the statement that rupture happened and things are changing. We are still set to all meet in mid March. Some are showing up sooner than that. Love my people.

I have archived some pictures. Mostly intimate stuff that would be too much exposure if shown by accident. I still left the deep cuts. The kisses. I'm not erasing her passage through my life. I need to be okay with it.

Had dinner with my sister. Told my tale again. She's to be the receptacle of a series of show tickets. She and I arrived to the conclusion that given my haphazard course through life and relationships, there's a strong case to be made that I'm not a man keen on settling down, even with all my genuine love and care for family.

Maybe I just love adventure too much?

Maybe I'm afraid of settling?

Maybe my first love put the bar impossibly high and she still casts a shadow?

Maybe I still hate myself a little for having pushed away the second love of my life and my best, most optimistic shot at starting a family?

Maybe the death of my dad instilled an urgency to life, a clock I can't stop hear ticking down?

Likely and certainly a little of all of the above.

Tomorrow I go back to the shared work space. I can't wait to finally start really improving that part of my life.

I still think about You a lot. On where You might fit. On the durability of what I feel. On the urgency to combat the distance fatigue paired with my impatience for certain things. On making You smile.