processing the dissolution, day zero

Woke up, broken, still drunk from the night before. Whatever I slept gave me no rest. First thought was the break up the night before. Had a text of hers in my phone, very coldly asking about what to do with tickets for shows we booked, and a send me off. A howling wail followed, sobbing, more crying. For whatever in the future is now denied and off limits. For whatever in the past didn't manage to hold us together. For the pains of the present I caused.

She hates me now. Stayed in bed feeling the break. Texted You to explain what happened. Can't effectively stop thinking about You. I couldn't stop thinking about You even in a place of guilt. I don't want that, I rather be alone. I am alone. It is better this way.

I got out of bed. Went to see my mother. Went to hug her and explain what happened. She understood as a mother does. She helped me mend. She still does. Having that near is a complete game changer. I'm not sure how I'd hold myself together without her here, now. We laughed. I felt better.

You and I called and saw each other. You were in the freezing snow, concerned. Hopeful. Curious. Whatever rot I was feeling then completely vanished at the sight of Your smile. Like a drug. Didn't take long to start cracking jokes. It's damn easy to get lost. We disconnected. You went back to your holidays, I went back to my pain.

I walked it. I walked it for 8 kilometres. Then I had dinner with my mom. I'm not sure how much better I'd be able to withstand all this without this home of mine. Then I walked it a further 4 kilometres. I didn't want to go to sleep. I just wanted to walk my pain and listen to sad songs and be in it. 

Exhaustion crept in. I came home. I wrote this. I don't need the alcohol now. Sometimes I think about smoking again. I wonder if when I stop having the cravings is when I've managed to walk way from the sadness?

Didn't cry since morning. I still feel the void of the love I denied. I still the feel the hope for better days. I mend. I look ahead.