processing the scarred free heart, day four

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We stayed talking until late yesterday, but I held myself from keeping the conversation going until the early hours of the morning. Not that I didn't want to, but the end result would be exhaustion and frustration.

Yesterday was also the first Wednesday since I broke up with her. Wednesdays were important because that was the weekday we normally reserved for us. I'd visit. We'd have dinner. Play with the kid. Date a little. A good routine. Something I looked forward to. I might miss it. I've listened to our songs. I see our photographs. I feel detached from it all. I'm sure I'll feel the loss later on, unaware of when it may come.

I woke up feeling normal. Not a particular longing, no anxious feelings, no cutting sadness. Just myself. I slept until a little later, and woke a little tired. That could be curbing my energy a little. But there was a tranquillity I know to be normal. I'm OK with it. I think the worst part is over. I'm firmly locked into my path, not a shade of regret, guilt or panic has surfaced so far. I hurt a good friend, someone who loved me. I followed my heart. I understand the risk I've taken. But most of all I cherish the liberty of engaging with You free of guilt. We are where I want us to be, in a place we can succeed or fail solely on the affection to each other and to life.

The office has been empty today, for most of the day. This, paired with being a little tired (and prone to distraction) sucked away the motivation to carry on. I need to be more resilient to do what needs doing.

During lunch, desire still threatens to run rampant. Maybe it's age, maybe it's experience. Maybe it's all this confusion around me. Through difficulty and with strong effort, I've managed to keep it under control. It is a matter of time.

At the end of the afternoon, I miss You. I'm obsessed. I'm curious. I feel trapped. I want to move so that I'm closer. So that I can see You again. The reality of the matter sets in, and patience is what's required. I need to be OK with so little contact.

Turns out I'm still shaken. I worked out at the gym during the evening. That helped things fall better into place. There's a hole. There's a sadness. I carry it still.

I look forward to the weekend. Ready or not for what's ahead, things come, I live them, a step at a time.