Inner Dialogue

Will it be today? Will it be today that I finally get to be more productive?

What's my current status?
I'm very despondent and actively ignoring my duties.

Why?
I don't feel I have enough capacity to tackle them.

Why is the capacity lacking?
Because I have been very tired and sick. And because I don't find anything about my work motivating. Meaning that whatever I do only makes me feel drained, instead of reinvigorated. Building momentum doesn't happen naturally.

What's wrong with momentum? Why doesn't it happen naturally?
Like I said, whatever I do only makes me feel drained, instead of reinvigorated.

And why do I think that is?
Because whatever I finish, I never get to have a human reaction for it. It feels underappreciated. And I don't appreciate it myself enough.

Why don't I appreciate it?
I have no emotional stake in the game. I feel that I can let it linger as long as I want, and I don't face any external consequences.

But I do feel internal consequences. I get demoralised and sad. Whereas when I have a productive day, I feel better about myself. So why don't I focus on those? Why don't I have my internal feeling be my guideline?
Because it feels like a lie. Because given the choice, I would rather be doing something else.

But I have been given the choice. I chose to maintain my position so I could allow my life with Anna blossom. Granted, it has its own set of challenges, but it was my choice. Why aren't I being more responsible for it?
Because the lack of external consequences allow me to get away with so much procrastination.

It seems I have a pretty sweet deal going on. I can work from anywhere. I only have to be available and do some cursory work. For the most part I are coasting and nurturing parallel interests. Yet I feel it is my responsibility to do more, be more engaged, act on my ambitions. So this inner conflict rages on and on.

Doing more at my current work will not bring me closer to fulfilling my ambitions. This is why I actively procrastinate or sabotage it when I'm at a good place. I engage in a pattern of letting things drag to points where I must do something. Once I do that something, I coast again, I begin the cycle again.

Right now I'm stuck between suffering and satisfaction. I let suffering build enough to motivate me to act upon it. Taking action brings me satisfaction, which lulls me back into complacency.

This is my vicious cycle:

• I have work to do.
• I begin to do that work.
• I begin to feel distracted, or wanting to get distracted.
• I act upon that impulse.
• I don't feel any negative consequence.
• I continue acting upon that impulse.
• I distance myself so much from work, it becomes impossible to get back.

The major problem here is that I block myself from using my feelings to guide me. By medicating with online distractions, I don't allow myself to feel bad. And because I don't feel bad, I don't motivate myself  to do enough to feel good. It's only at the end of the day, when I unplug from the distractions that all the bad feelings that have been building in the background come crashing down, leading me to adopt drastic changes.

What would an hypothetical virtuous cycle look like?

• I have work to do.
• I begin to do that work.
• I begin to feel distracted, or wanting to get distracted
• Instead of acting upon that impulse, I write down what I want to do. Why do I want to do it. I look at it and make a decision on what to do.
• I get back to my work.
• I finish my work.
• I write down what I just finished. I try to quantify or qualify the stress I just spared myself from. I look at it and make a decision on what to do next, either follow up momentarily on my distraction, or pick up new work.

I need to be more deliberate with my time.