The Shit Seesaw
Why does everything that is mandatory eventually ends up being boring and naturally avoided by me?
What kind of rebel spirit is this, that decides to rise against everything, in a very indiscriminate way?
It's as if I'm built with an anti-habit instinct. This mechanism doesn't make intellectual sense. I'm talking about habits and rules set upon myself, by myself, so as to live a more fast moving and fulfilling life, without wasting time or energy in less than ideal pursuits.
But the mind doesn't want to work. It rejects the focus. It moves towards preserving energy and navigating low effort content. Music. Articles. Wikipedia. Videos.
No actual work.
Actual work is quite difficult to sustain without a clear vision. But visualising the objective isn't enough. It's more about having the belief, the faith that fulfilling the objective will lead to a more desired state.
I've cleared my work stack before. And I haven't enjoyed the outcome. So much so that I've fallen back to where I am. So I stay in this kind of balanced disgust where I procrastinate so much to become angry and frustrated, eventually conjuring enough energy and focus to push to a better state. Where I'll linger for long enough to eventually fall back down.
And so the cycle continues.
Trapped.
What kind of rebel spirit is this, that decides to rise against everything, in a very indiscriminate way?
It's as if I'm built with an anti-habit instinct. This mechanism doesn't make intellectual sense. I'm talking about habits and rules set upon myself, by myself, so as to live a more fast moving and fulfilling life, without wasting time or energy in less than ideal pursuits.
But the mind doesn't want to work. It rejects the focus. It moves towards preserving energy and navigating low effort content. Music. Articles. Wikipedia. Videos.
No actual work.
Actual work is quite difficult to sustain without a clear vision. But visualising the objective isn't enough. It's more about having the belief, the faith that fulfilling the objective will lead to a more desired state.
I've cleared my work stack before. And I haven't enjoyed the outcome. So much so that I've fallen back to where I am. So I stay in this kind of balanced disgust where I procrastinate so much to become angry and frustrated, eventually conjuring enough energy and focus to push to a better state. Where I'll linger for long enough to eventually fall back down.
And so the cycle continues.
Trapped.