words as photographs

Everything is dead silent. I'm still here trying to survive this crap. I think I've adapted to being home faster than the last time. It helps to walk into town. Anna is on holidays with her friend. As I expected, communication has dropped to minimal, rushed and of not very good quality. This time I am not banking on it for comfort, so I don't feel unsupported. But it is off-putting and creates some resentment. The work I intended to do yesterday has gone nowhere. The lack of stimuli, the discomfort of the place I am working in, the lack of contact with other people, these things make me medicate with Internet. I just lose myself in the digital world with absolutely useless bullshit. I have to escape these conditions, because I don't have enough willpower to turn it around. I have to be smarter and partner up with stimulating people so I stay motivated and on point. I'm not big into New Year's resolutions but next year I do need to follow through with a d...

I missed the last two days I was supposed to write here. What happened? I feel the typical thing happened. I start to get results and instead of doubling down and keep being successful at them, I start to lose focus and do things that bring me back closer to where I were. Almost as if mediocrity is this gravitational centre in my life that I keep feeling dragged back into. It's actually not like that. I keep recognising progress. But I am tackling, as per usual, too many fronts at once. In some of them I eventually lose ground due to lack of energy to sustain so much effort. But overall I feel I keep growing or expanding. It also didn't help that I had to fly home. It really throws me off, and caused me to make lots of packing mistakes. It doesn't feel like the dust has settled. in one week we'll be celebrating NYE, and from there flying off to Miami for one more edition of 70K. So I have this nervous energy about me. There's too much to do, not enough tim...

He is riddled with anxiety. He read an article online on how addressing himself in the third person can be useful to increase wisdom. At first instance, it feels incredibly weird, as if his life and his feelings weren't his own. Depersonalised.  But he'll give it a shot for at least one month. Can't hurt. Back to work. Yesterday he was going on about losing momentum and feeling like procrastinating a lot. He tried the following in the morning: work without music finish a task, or work for one straight hour, whatever came next walk and stretch at the end of each of these exercises This he attempted in the mourning, after journaling and it was effective. Then he went for lunch. That broke his stride. Just before lunch, in the small free time he had, he started looking into family pictures as part of a Christmas project. When he came back from lunch, he worked the pictures he selected, editing them. This threw him off, and getting back to work took much longer. At...

Here it is. Here I go again. Yesterday I procrastinated a lot. I was under slept and tired, and working by myself demands a clear head. There's no group energy I can tap into. I must generate all the momentum by myself. Today I am a little more rested. But because I failed to build momentum yesterday, today is also very slow to start. I feel lazy and despondent. I'm not concentrating easily. I am avoiding thinking of what I want to achieve today. I feel I have no energy to be what I want to be. So I must aim a little lower. I do need to stay engaged the whole work day. I'm particularly vulnerable to getting lost in distractions. I feel I don't have the necessary energy to sustain the whole work day. And I can't cut it short to rest. I can't go for quick restorative naps. I will try the following: work without music. Try to finish a task, or work for one straight hour, whatever ends first. I will get up and walk around at the end of each of these stretc...

Good morning. This is a very slow start to the week. The weekend was spent in Prague celebrating Anna's birthday. It was wild and fun and packed. Best friends joining up together for another congregation in Winter to keep the darkness away. But the going and returning take their toll. The drive is long, the weather wasn't kind, and here we are back from it, under slept, stiff and attempting to navigate this last full week together the best we can. We're so happy together. I keep thinking about 2019 and how it shook up to be one of the most profoundly transforming years of my life. A lot of personal, emotional dimensions matured and culminated in this year of accelerated growth. How I view myself as an individual and where I am in life. How I view myself as a partner. How I view my mother, and how I view myself as a son. Where do I want to live. How do I want to grow. What do I want to take away from life. What do I want to take away from life. This last one. T...

Friday the 13th. People say it's a day for bad luck. I feel pretty good myself. Having adopted regular exercise, better task prioritisation and a more relaxed attitude, I've managed to bring myself to a happier place. This all goes in tandem with being so happy with Anna. Being with her infuses me with a great golden energy, which in turn I channel to take the necessary actions to better my condition, which in turn improves the quality of the time I spend with her. It is most definitely a virtuous cycle. Onwards to more pragmatic thoughts. Yesterday I managed to be more productive than I have been in weeks, if not months. I managed to concentrate deeply in the work, and meet the objectives, albeit small, that I have set to myself. Speaking of the objectives. There's always this looming pressure that I'm not doing enough, being good enough, proactive enough. If I take it full on, it is paralysing. By putting some effort into viewing myself as a little less capabl...

I'm back. And what to talk about? This is yet another experiment in order to get me going. To get me motivated. I have ten minutes to write about the fuck I want. I plan to do this every weekday, before work starts. Hopefully, the pressure to be engaged will unlock my mind from the stupor caused by my demotivation. This has been going for a long time. I thought at first to start a new blog, detailing the pivoting of my life onwards to a different career track. Nowadays  I'm not so sure. Again I feel like I'm down a path that's hard to step away from. I have to follow through and live out my choices, and make better on them. I'm very demotivated with work. It feels very lonely, very boring, very lacking. I've resolved the problems I could resolve and the deficiencies I know find are touching points about myself I can't really change. Or don't want to. I don't want to be the person grabbing others for attention. I like to be doing my own thing ...