words as photographs

Really difficult to remain focused when I am alone. Also, and this is very important, see, is that when I work alone, it is really easy to believe the noise inside my head. There's no one to challenge it. I thought I was much better and much more deserving than I really am. I think I should be a much harder worker, when in fact my performance is below my standard. And yet, with a little effort it seems to shoot well above that standard, as I will quickly drop what I'm doing and reward myself with foolish distractions. I am accepting being foolish. Concentration is a lot like holding whatever I'm focusing on inside a bowl in my mind. Everytime I get interrupted, the bowl shakes and the contents spill out. I then have to spend some effort putting them back in. I also feel the bowl is cracked, and a lot of my focus slips through the cracks.

 Grit. Got to get grit. My sin has been hubris. For too long, I have thought myself as much smarter than I really am, more capable than I really am. Part of me believed what others were saying about me, while another part, a deeper part, knew well I was being an impostor.

Am I chasing the wrong goal? Or am I just lazy? I have to be brave to do my job. I am constantly moving towards the fear. I am living my fantasy of a hero facing a dragon. It's just the dragon is my insecurity regarding my knowledge. And even though it is straightforward to combat - just keep working and learning, everytime I advance I am reminded of how little I know. I can do this. Bit by bit. Time to go for a more primitive feeling. Figure this shit out, on my own, by myself. Fuck everyone else. I saw something I did not understand. I cared not to be curious about it and chose to ignore it. Now I'm forced to face it, all because I refused my natural inclination to inquire. Don't be selective. Don't optimise. Always follow the light you cast.

Started the day with a meeting. Built tension. After the meeting decided to unwind. Ended up spending too long. Feeling ashamed now and motivated to keep procrastinating. Trying to recenter.  

This can't be handled logically, this must be handled emotionally. How do I ignite my passion about my work? What is good about it? I feel like at all falls on me. I feel alone. There are others willing to help me. I must reach out. Using them as my wallpaper to help me stay inspired and focused. Scolded yesterday. Wife also working from home today. Inspirations as my background. Overall the day went better, because I was feeling better about it.

Clear up the personal stuff. Reflect on the previous day, and the current one - what do I want? What can I do? I feel completely deflated and believe I need activities to counteract this.

Don't waste my day. Define being effective at work. According to Chat GPT (my ratings between parenthesis):      Master Your Technical Skills (ongoing):         Develop a deep understanding of the products or services you are supporting.         Keep up-to-date with the latest technology trends and updates in your field.         Build a solid knowledge base to quickly troubleshoot and resolve common issues.     Active Listening (competent):         Pay close attention to the customer's description of the problem.         Ask clarifying questions to gather all the necessary information.         Show empathy and understanding toward their frustration or concerns.     Clear Communication (competent):      ...

I was sick yesterday. Not enough rest, plus some kind of respiratory bug we all have here at home completely threw me down. Came here to say something, but I forgot. Brain fog is pretty bad when I'm always alone. Or more detectable. It seems easier to follow a thread when in the company of others. Hardcore gaming, while fun, is not a restful activity for the brain. What are my restful activities? They'll be fun, mostly effortless, healthy in good measure. Reading. Going for a walk. Listening to music. Introspection and movement. I believe I need to find my vision. I will try to answer the following: If I could invent the future, what would I create for myself? I would have a job where progress would feel more engaging. My job would also get me to work regularly with people I respect.   At the end of my life, what will be my greatest accomplishment? I will have raised a family of strong, independent, kind and loving people.   What mission in life absolutely inspires me? Raising...

Got an urgent case last evening. Was supposed to be all hands on deck starting this morning. One of the partners dropped the ball. Morning so far has been fits and starts. I'm a little scrambled. One of my line-managers is being difficult providing me with the help and guidance necessary. It's making me regret my choice to move out of Support and into Consultancy. I will keep considering this. I am finding what kind of personalities work where to be a big, big factor in my selection. Missed my morning shower. I think this has also made the day start more difficult. I went to drop off my son while listening to a gaming podcast. While it made the walk more pleasant, because of the noice cancellation earbuds, I think it affected my mindset negatively. I have a bunch of things to work, and zero willpower to pick any of them. The support character. Wears a shield and tanks, for certain. Is multipurpose/multi-faceted. A dwarf. This is a distraction. I really don't want to pick up...

I want to get in the mood and then stay in the mood . Definitely blocking out my affairs completely from work aggravates anxiety. I accept whatever mechanism I employ to get started with work, and to stay working, has an expiry date. Sometimes I will use a list of tasks, sometimes I will jump to a fire, sometimes I will use journal. That is OK. I am working much better today. I believe I should take a little break now. Had a little break, supposed to be 10 minutes, now at 40. Next time I'll try to push for lunch. Keep the machine going. Why am I stuck watching a video I don't care much about? Because I don't want to get started. Because it's easy. Because I'm tired. At around 15:23 my brain fog seems to be kicking. I'm struggling with the more rudimentary tasks. I feel like the rest of the afternoon was a mixed bag.

Starting my work day at a coffee shop does not work. I associate the place with relaxation, and work requires a place that is both a little tense and a little sad, to get me in the right mood. I want to feel connected to a point. Or have the feeling I can be. If I close off my browser and have only the work session in my computer, then I feel cut off from the world, which is bad. On the other hand I have to be careful, because having the browser turned on allows me to wander online and get lost. I want to concentrate at work like I concentrate at a game I am interested in playing. This is impossible. I would drop a game that: wouldn't work consistently (crashes, performance issues, etc.) constantly slowed down. had unclear goals. in which I did not care for other players. Therefore wanting to concentrate at work at the same level I do for a game is unreasonable, as the things that would make me drop a game are very present in my work day. A much more worthwhile goal: I feel engag...

And my faithful blog once again answers. I sense a change coming. I will update the layout. I will archive the old stuff. And I vow to try to be more consistent with updates here. This will be where I keep myself honest.