words as photographs

I worked out yesterday. And what difference it has made in my mood. I feel like I put in work to benefit me alone. It has a nice feeling of selfishness to it, in the sense that I prioritised myself for something that is healthy and beneficial. Today I feel better equipped for bracing the day. I should have started the work day sooner, however I opted to look into articles about maintaining good posture and what kinds of work outs I can do indoors. Yes, I am distracting myself, but urging me towards a direction of health and happiness, instead of isolation and imagination through video games. Now that I'm feeling more rested, the plan is to build on that and improve my physical condition quite a bit so that I can recover quicker from the very demanding times ahead. It would also be nice to build up to a point I'd be able to do handstand push ups. To work.

What the hell, my mind keeps slipping away to fantasy games and character builds. I'm so tired of it, because it naturally goes there, but I don't have the time nor the inclination to pursue it outside of work. What's the point then? I'm just escaping this crap. It merely occurs while I'm working, as a kind of "try to get away" feeling. A constant lure, because I don't want to face work itself. But that is odd, because there's a part of me that appreciates the work when I am engaged with it. It seems that by working, I feel insecure because I start becoming all too aware of how distant I am, and how late and how ineffective. I might not be running away from boredom, but from fear. Yet, by giving in to that fear, I only make it more powerful. I must persevere through the discomfort.

The problem is that you are alone. That's all there is, and there's so much navel gazing you can do, until it becomes redundant. There's a job you have to do. A very good job. You hate the job. Fine. That isn't atypical, most of humanity is stuck at doing something they don't really care for. It's called doing what is necessary to survive. Maybe your job isn't necessary to survive per se. But it is necessary to enable all the rest of your life. You have already defined what is going to happen once the circumstances finally change. Now it's only a matter of patience, persistence and discipline. Head down. Keep quiet. Do your job. Push through. Take care of yourself. Sleep well. Eat well. Stay strong. Stay healthy. Keep ploughing through. Use whatever healthy tricks you deem necessary. Conserve your energy. You can do this. I can do this. You can do this. I can do this. You can do this. I can do this. Say this as many times you nee...

11:49 I want to get distracted because I'm chewing through my stack of emails and when I look at those that remind me I have shit to do, I get a bad feeling of anxiety. I want to do anything other than work. Maybe check up on Social Media. This is a bad idea because I'm exchanging true anxiety for delayed anxiety. I.e., checking social media won't make me feel anxious, but arriving at the end of the day will make me feel terrible. 11:57 I want to get distracted because my work management software is fucking slow. I want to immediately go online and get distracted, since I have no patience. This is a bad idea because the application will open in the background while I get distracted for much longer than necessary. 12:03 I just finished my first task, catching up on my emails. I noticed I have work the customer is chasing on (bad). I also have training this afternoon, which will take away from the time necessary to follow up on my work. I'm going to sta...

Will it be today? Will it be today that I finally get to be more productive? What's my current status? I'm very despondent and actively ignoring my duties. Why? I don't feel I have enough capacity to tackle them. Why is the capacity lacking? Because I have been very tired and sick. And because I don't find anything about my work motivating. Meaning that whatever I do only makes me feel drained, instead of reinvigorated. Building momentum doesn't happen naturally. What's wrong with momentum? Why doesn't it happen naturally? Like I said, whatever I do only makes me feel drained, instead of reinvigorated. And why do I think that is? Because whatever I finish, I never get to have a human reaction for it. It feels underappreciated. And I don't appreciate it myself enough. Why don't I appreciate it? I have no emotional stake in the game. I feel that I can let it linger as long as I want, and I don't face any external consequences. But...

Not in a good place. I partied too hard in Saturday. Unknowingly, sort of. I was drinking at roughly the same pace as before and during the cruise. And this time it hit me particularly hard. I think it was because of being vulnerable, of still being in recovery from the cruise. My body is still particularly weak, the exhaustion putting my natural defences at very low levels. So the night was a complete bender, filled with huge black outs and less than stellar, wobbly walking around. The hangover was tremendous and disabled me completely. It activated the worst outbreak of herpes I've ever had. My face feels like an open, bleeding wound. I feel disgusting. When it comes to coming back to work, fuck. Zero energy, no motivation whatsoever to do anything more than behaving like a vegetable. In the roadmap there are a few parties ahead. Next week on Thursday I have the Department's night out. The following Saturday I have the Sabaton concert. I'll spend the week wi...

Why does everything that is mandatory eventually ends up being boring and naturally avoided by me? What kind of rebel spirit is this, that decides to rise against everything, in a very indiscriminate way? It's as if I'm built with an anti-habit instinct. This mechanism doesn't make intellectual sense. I'm talking about habits and rules set upon myself, by myself, so as to live a more fast moving and fulfilling life, without wasting time or energy in less than ideal pursuits. But the mind doesn't want to work. It rejects the focus. It moves towards preserving energy and navigating low effort content. Music. Articles. Wikipedia. Videos. No actual work. Actual work is quite difficult to sustain without a clear vision. But visualising the objective isn't enough. It's more about having the belief, the faith that fulfilling the objective will lead to a more desired state. I've cleared my work stack before. And I haven't enjoyed the outcome. So ...