words as photographs

Yesterday I decided to game in the evening. I played a quality game for a bit and went to bed at a sensible time, and had a good night of sleep. However, today I'm struggling a lot more to get started with work. I think I need to identify the moments when it is OK to game. Before a workday is probably a bad idea as it will drain my willpower to get started the next day. Or maybe it isn't the will power that is drained. It's more that I feel a lot more distant from work, as if that facet of my life is no longer well integrated with the rest. It separates me from that. It is numbing. Which is an odd feeling that I want to explore a little more. This morning I resumed listening to a podcast I started yesterday. Also a bad idea, as it further distanced me from the work I have to do. Further numbed. It also happened to touch on a point I found fascinating ( Braid is getting re-mastered and re-released next year ), and that completely absorbed my attention for far longer than exp...

I fell on a trap laid by Google some 15 years ago. They appeared in the job market promoting fun work places. I somehow equated that to the ideal workplace. And not just me, as I've seen my previous employers adopt Google like measures to make the workplace fun: have some kind of games available, sweets, weird chairs, etc. This reinforces the motivations to work, or be at the work place as external things. I think to the detriment of the internal. I have since been trying to find a workplace that would promote such external motivations. Have an inspiring boss. Have focused workers around me. Have a system of rewards and punishments in place. I have always neglected working on my own internal triggers. What my conduct should be. What can I do, and how can I do it, to stay sharp and motived, absent an external trigger.

Struggling terribly to get back to work. Spent the last two days in the office, with a great work atmosphere, feeling energised and motivated. Now I'm back home, I feel completely drained and struggling very much to get going. I need to be stricter with myself again. It feels very offputting, as it was so effortless and positive during my visit to the office.

Main lessons: from a different video , the best source of motivation are values. These are constant regardless of impulse or emotion. If things need to be done because they serve a higher purpose, outside myself, then they will get done regardless of how I feel, up to a certain threshold. too boring of a task will lead the mind to wander. Too boring? Add constraints or pressures to make it more engaging. too overwhelming of a task will lead the mind to wander. Stressed about a task? Isolate the emotion that is looking to manifest. Feel it, but don't follow it. Breathe out. Calm down. Ego gets in the way. More often than not, this will be comparison. I will be comparing myself to people who inspired me in the past, or challenge me in the present. This will be breaking my concentration, because I need to get out of myself to get the job done. Fixed Point Gazing is a technique that can help. I have used gazing before to calm me down and get me in the mood. Usually by focusing at a dis...

To be able to concentrate at work I must first get into the right mood. Getting to the right mood is helped by: a sense of urgency (deadline imminent) a sense of consequence (what I am to do is to have immediate, tangible result) enough sleep enough food And it is hindered by: other big things going on in my life lack of coworkers physically around a sense of loneliness and abandonment I can control for sleep, food and to a certain extent, other big things going on. The major difficulty is in managing my sense of loneliness and the permanent lack of physical coworkers around against the sense of urgency and consequence to get me going. To push me through the task, I must envision its outcome as much as possible, and desire it.

Really difficult to remain focused when I am alone. Also, and this is very important, see, is that when I work alone, it is really easy to believe the noise inside my head. There's no one to challenge it. I thought I was much better and much more deserving than I really am. I think I should be a much harder worker, when in fact my performance is below my standard. And yet, with a little effort it seems to shoot well above that standard, as I will quickly drop what I'm doing and reward myself with foolish distractions. I am accepting being foolish. Concentration is a lot like holding whatever I'm focusing on inside a bowl in my mind. Everytime I get interrupted, the bowl shakes and the contents spill out. I then have to spend some effort putting them back in. I also feel the bowl is cracked, and a lot of my focus slips through the cracks.

 Grit. Got to get grit. My sin has been hubris. For too long, I have thought myself as much smarter than I really am, more capable than I really am. Part of me believed what others were saying about me, while another part, a deeper part, knew well I was being an impostor.

Am I chasing the wrong goal? Or am I just lazy? I have to be brave to do my job. I am constantly moving towards the fear. I am living my fantasy of a hero facing a dragon. It's just the dragon is my insecurity regarding my knowledge. And even though it is straightforward to combat - just keep working and learning, everytime I advance I am reminded of how little I know. I can do this. Bit by bit. Time to go for a more primitive feeling. Figure this shit out, on my own, by myself. Fuck everyone else. I saw something I did not understand. I cared not to be curious about it and chose to ignore it. Now I'm forced to face it, all because I refused my natural inclination to inquire. Don't be selective. Don't optimise. Always follow the light you cast.

Started the day with a meeting. Built tension. After the meeting decided to unwind. Ended up spending too long. Feeling ashamed now and motivated to keep procrastinating. Trying to recenter.  

This can't be handled logically, this must be handled emotionally. How do I ignite my passion about my work? What is good about it? I feel like at all falls on me. I feel alone. There are others willing to help me. I must reach out. Using them as my wallpaper to help me stay inspired and focused. Scolded yesterday. Wife also working from home today. Inspirations as my background. Overall the day went better, because I was feeling better about it.

Clear up the personal stuff. Reflect on the previous day, and the current one - what do I want? What can I do? I feel completely deflated and believe I need activities to counteract this.

Don't waste my day. Define being effective at work. According to Chat GPT (my ratings between parenthesis):      Master Your Technical Skills (ongoing):         Develop a deep understanding of the products or services you are supporting.         Keep up-to-date with the latest technology trends and updates in your field.         Build a solid knowledge base to quickly troubleshoot and resolve common issues.     Active Listening (competent):         Pay close attention to the customer's description of the problem.         Ask clarifying questions to gather all the necessary information.         Show empathy and understanding toward their frustration or concerns.     Clear Communication (competent):      ...

I was sick yesterday. Not enough rest, plus some kind of respiratory bug we all have here at home completely threw me down. Came here to say something, but I forgot. Brain fog is pretty bad when I'm always alone. Or more detectable. It seems easier to follow a thread when in the company of others. Hardcore gaming, while fun, is not a restful activity for the brain. What are my restful activities? They'll be fun, mostly effortless, healthy in good measure. Reading. Going for a walk. Listening to music. Introspection and movement. I believe I need to find my vision. I will try to answer the following: If I could invent the future, what would I create for myself? I would have a job where progress would feel more engaging. My job would also get me to work regularly with people I respect.   At the end of my life, what will be my greatest accomplishment? I will have raised a family of strong, independent, kind and loving people.   What mission in life absolutely inspires me? Raising...

Got an urgent case last evening. Was supposed to be all hands on deck starting this morning. One of the partners dropped the ball. Morning so far has been fits and starts. I'm a little scrambled. One of my line-managers is being difficult providing me with the help and guidance necessary. It's making me regret my choice to move out of Support and into Consultancy. I will keep considering this. I am finding what kind of personalities work where to be a big, big factor in my selection. Missed my morning shower. I think this has also made the day start more difficult. I went to drop off my son while listening to a gaming podcast. While it made the walk more pleasant, because of the noice cancellation earbuds, I think it affected my mindset negatively. I have a bunch of things to work, and zero willpower to pick any of them. The support character. Wears a shield and tanks, for certain. Is multipurpose/multi-faceted. A dwarf. This is a distraction. I really don't want to pick up...

I want to get in the mood and then stay in the mood . Definitely blocking out my affairs completely from work aggravates anxiety. I accept whatever mechanism I employ to get started with work, and to stay working, has an expiry date. Sometimes I will use a list of tasks, sometimes I will jump to a fire, sometimes I will use journal. That is OK. I am working much better today. I believe I should take a little break now. Had a little break, supposed to be 10 minutes, now at 40. Next time I'll try to push for lunch. Keep the machine going. Why am I stuck watching a video I don't care much about? Because I don't want to get started. Because it's easy. Because I'm tired. At around 15:23 my brain fog seems to be kicking. I'm struggling with the more rudimentary tasks. I feel like the rest of the afternoon was a mixed bag.

Starting my work day at a coffee shop does not work. I associate the place with relaxation, and work requires a place that is both a little tense and a little sad, to get me in the right mood. I want to feel connected to a point. Or have the feeling I can be. If I close off my browser and have only the work session in my computer, then I feel cut off from the world, which is bad. On the other hand I have to be careful, because having the browser turned on allows me to wander online and get lost. I want to concentrate at work like I concentrate at a game I am interested in playing. This is impossible. I would drop a game that: wouldn't work consistently (crashes, performance issues, etc.) constantly slowed down. had unclear goals. in which I did not care for other players. Therefore wanting to concentrate at work at the same level I do for a game is unreasonable, as the things that would make me drop a game are very present in my work day. A much more worthwhile goal: I feel engag...

And my faithful blog once again answers. I sense a change coming. I will update the layout. I will archive the old stuff. And I vow to try to be more consistent with updates here. This will be where I keep myself honest.

Do you know how to be happy without problems? And do you how to be as happy as you ever were without the problems you had then? Moments have shapes, like the river is shaped by the stones in its bed. 

I am trying to improve myself here. I feel frustrated (again) by my current job. Handling Support cases is not something I want to do any more. I don't see myself as a wizard detective any longer, or at least, I don't care uncovering causes to problems for systems I don't own. In an ideal world, I would own the system, I would maintain the system and I would optimise the system. The system not only would pay my wages, but it would be a vehicle for me to grow my technical skills as well as interpersonal ones. Can I find a way in my current job to achieve these ideals? Growing interpersonal skills through more customer contact. Growing technical skills by diving into different subjects. System ownership is the issue here. I can "own" some customers and become their expert. For all others... a queue?

Attend class, be a good pupil, even if you hate the subject matter. Get good grades, get parents' approval. Once enough is known to get the grade, coast until recess/end of school.